You can't give what you don't have

By: Aunty Mona

· A word from a Silver Hair

During my walk in ife, I 've met different people accusing others, shifting blames on others, for their failures. Saying all sorts of things. If, I had a dad, I would have done a,b,c. If, my mother could have done this for me, I would have done...... If, it was'nt for my sister/ brother who did a,b,c, I could have become...... or it is because of this individual that I have lost such.... Alright, lets get down to the reality.

What is real here?

The reality here sounds really very insane. When you realized that something is not working for you or a person who were suppose to have helped you, could not, should that not be an eye opening opportunity for you to pick up the pieces and move on? What good does it do, to keep playing a blaming song, all over and over again, years in and years out?

Many are complaining about their parents who did not do enough or who are not doing enough - being with financial support, materially or with guidance or upbringing.

To my understanding, one can only do or produce what they know, support and build actively what they understand. In this world of inequalities, how do we expect others to know and avail or give what we need, as even, if they understand their own needs. How do you give out of nothing, if you yourself don't even have. . A cup can only runs over, when it is full, into nearby dry places .

At times we engage in relationships and we expect a lot from others, things that they don't even have themselves or know and when we don't get them ,we get upset, starts mummuring and frustrating our fellows.

I remember a scenario, where a child felt rejected, lonely and lack of belonging because the father not only did he deny the paternty, but also were never part of the child upbring, even though he came around during the child teenage years and acknowlegdes the paternity.

All of her life, she has been looking for her father's love and affection, but to no avail. She dreamedt of having a place that she could called her father's home or even uttering that word " Father, Daddy or so, but there was no one to call so, not even a shadow. When she realized that she could not get what she was yearning for or missing in her life, she grew so much resentment towards her father, till oneday, when she met a therapist that changes her perception about her father and the rest - happily ever after.

The therapist simply asked her to do a little research on her father upbringing as well as to try and find out if those things she were expecting from her father, if the father possibly had them during his childhood. To her suprise, the father grew up without a real place to call home as well, as he was moving between families to settle after he had lost his mother at his birth. His father went to marry another woman, left him with his aunty. No mother, no father. Where could he have learnt how it feels like to call someone Mama or Papa. Where could he have experienced genuine authentic love and affection, for him to pass over to somebody else or to his own children or grandchildren, authentically. Surely, he couldn't give what he did not have.

My little children, whatever you think of another person - have empathy, think if you were in that person shoe, what could you have done. Every effect comes from the cause.

 

 

 

 

 

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